Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Kendo’ Category

Grace.

I guess you could say that this past week has been about all of the weaknesses that I have.

In other words, it’s been rough.

And I’m a bit tuckered out, but sitting here at work without enough time to power through another episode of Glee means that I have time to write. I sometimes find solace in that.

I’ve been making excuses for myself to go out there and do things that I basically shouldn’t be doing. Question: is sin an addiction or is addiction a sin? I attempted to reconcile God with addiction — it didn’t work out. I thought I could compartmentalize life with God and life without God, but it doesn’t really work that way. Once I stepped back into life with God, all I could feel was guilt and shame.

Mistakes. They make us human. They make us real.

And the worse part is that the temptation, the availability is connected to something that I’ve discovered an enormous passion for in the past nine months. And God’s like, “Hey, if you can’t get past the bad parts of this, then you have to give up the good parts, too.” I hear You loud and clear. Not that I want to, necessarily.

But even now, after losing my first two matches within thirty seconds, I want nothing more than to keep practicing and become stronger. Maybe it’s because I really, really love it, or maybe it’s because that’s my way of fighting people without hurting them (too badly). Or maybe (and I’m only starting to get this now), it’s part of a greater calling.

Protect those who can’t protect themselves.

And I don’t get it: I don’t get how people or God can forgive me for being stupid or how to forgive other people for ticking me off or how to let people do things for me — that idea of grace. Not yet, anyway. I’m still getting there. Still working on those parts of me that are cold like the back of a meat truck.

Hopefully one day I’ll get it, but that day’s going to be really boring. How I get there is much more interesting and blog-worthy.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Rest. God. Love.

I’m really falling behind on blogging and posting photos haha. But maybe that’s a good thing considering how busy I was with other things for the past few days. Monday a midterm, yesterday an essay and a debate due. It’s funny to think that the amount of stress that I had was all by my own doing. I should probably study harder.

Today’s looking pretty busy, too, but in a different way. I had a doctor’s appointment that made me late for work, where I am now. After work, I’ll run back up the hill for a meeting, then get whisked off to dinner with our Frosh Con small group. Then ice cream social. Then kendo party. That should be interesting.

I did get a lot of sleep last night, though, which I’m really thankful for. It was the first time I’d been well-rested in a few days. I wanted to stay up to think about things, but after a certain point, I just couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. We’ll do this story in reverse.

What made me tired was… well, it’s not my story to tell. But let’s just say that it involved some spiritual warfare. I have had no experience with it whatsoever, but sometime between listening to this person and praying for them, I realized something: I love this person. As a human being, as a sibling, and as a friend. And for them to feel alone and like their life is sunken in darkness breaks my heart. I don’t know how I could possibly express that to them without seeming weird, or even how to do it period. I could probably use these words. Maybe.

Another thing, though. What that event made me realize, too, is how I need to confront my own demons. My friend had the courage to confess their fears and to ask for prayer. Shouldn’t I, too? Still, I think God instilled emotion in me last night that shed light on some of the darkness in those areas. There’s still doubt about my own heart, but it’s a bit less now.

Intermission: I really like Tina Bui, haha. So much so that I stalked her down with my camera repeatedly trying to get a good picture of her. She’s so cute!

Moving back a couple of hours to the seeker event, I’m really happy that the person I brought, Ben, had the courage to stand up and answer the call to be a seeker. It just made me really happy to see that the things I’ve been inviting him to and the friends he’s made are really changing him. I’m excited to see what happens next!


Intermission 2.0: Everyone loves Sarah Kim. Sunjin is watching me, though… little does he know, I’m watching him, too!

The mini-adventure of wondering where to live ended a couple of nights ago. Leslie was invited to become a Team Leader somewhere, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go there. So we did a listening prayer one evening, and I ended up with where God had pointed me at for her. Turns out it’s a perfect match! Tuesday evening, she finalized her decision and also invited Paula and I to join her there, and we wholeheartedly accepted. So where are we living next year? Sproul! Of all places. It was really unexpected for Paula and I because we had crossed it off of our list early. Still, I’m mucho excited to be around my ladies next year and harassing them more than ever. They love my socks and my farts. And I love their dorkiness and creepiness. And them.

It’s been a truly wonderful week despite all of the academic stress. And I feel like it’s only going to get better.

Tonight’s another time to spend with those I’m close to. And to have fun and laugh. And another challenge for me to face, but I face it with the knowledge that I am capable.

But the one thing I realized just now that I like the most?

I haven’t felt alone in a long time.

Read Full Post »

Asymmetry.

So in the “About” page for this blog, I talk about my old blog and how it was just me complaining about my life. A while ago, I decided to revisit that blog and read it all over again, and it was kind of mind-blowing. Most things I wrote about in such a way that only I would know what it meant, so it was like looking back on some internal moments that I had back in high school. And the reality is that both this blog and my old one are portions of my story that are critical; the different between them is striking. http://rachellewong.blogspot.com/

So I’m pretty exhausted today. Physically, that is. Before I slept last night, I had only slept about five hours in two-and-a-half days; I’ve never actually been tired to the point where I couldn’t will myself to stay awake. But I did get some good time in; just this morning was a bit of a drag. I’m super sore from kendo. And this canker sore in the back of my throat is making me miserable. And my left hand middle finger… is being weird.

Something I did realize as Cindy was giving me a back massage yesterday, though. I’m not symmetrical. Not at all. One of my eyes has a double eyelid and the other doesn’t; my middle fingers are different lengths because of an accident in sixth grade; my knees are shaped differently; my big toes are, too; and my thumbs are just plain nothing like each other. I don’t know, it’s weird.

Meanwhile, I’m stoked that UCLA Kendo took the Yuhihai Cup once again this past Sunday! It was really exciting to watch all of my kendo friends in action; I hope that I can be that awesome one day and participate in our tournament.

This idea of simplifying my life is working out pretty well for me. I know what I have to do at the moment, so I do it. It was a thought that occurred to me a couple days ago that kind of just made it for me: you’ll only have today once. So be productive, do what you’ve got to do, and above all else, enjoy it. I have to remind myself of that now and then.

OGDAD Update:
Yesterday: Service Learning Week 2: Home-Delivered Meals
Sunday: Volunteered at Third Annual Yuhihai Kendo Tournament.

Read Full Post »

Words in my head right now: Fuck this shit. I don’t know what’s up with me today. It’s a laundry list of negative emotion: upset, angry, frustrated, exhausted, impatient, discontented, unsatisfied. Something about yesterday made me think… What am I doing?

Since when was I the person who gave up something deeply important for church?
Since when was I the person who was inviting people to church events?
Since when was I the person who spent entire nights talking to people and telling them that I believe their attendance at a church event would be good for them?

I’m pretty sure that who I am is the exact opposite of… not who I wanted to be, but who I expected to be. I kind of hate that. God, Jesus, fellowship. These are an inevitable reality of my life now; I can neither deny their existence nor escape their gravity. But part of me still wishes that none of it had ever happened… Why?

I’ve never believed in any of these things in my life, ever. So why now? I’m not denouncing everything that’s changed about me and my life in the past few weeks… I’m just confused by it all. I mean, wasn’t there another time and another place where I needed Jesus much more than I do now? I was… content with life. Granted, it’s much less satisfactory than what I have now, but it was simple and pure and fun.

So where’s all this gone? I don’t know. Somewhere along the way I picked up too many things to do with not enough hours in the week to do it. School. Work. Intervarsity. Kendo. The Daily Bruin.

Oh, that’s right. I’m out of the Daily Bruin for this quarter. At first, I thought I was okay with this reality; that I’d be fine with giving this up… No. In what universe have I ever sacrificed my interests for… anything? And for what? I know nothing about Frosh Con, only this burning sensation in me that tells me that I should go. What is that anyway? God? Jesus? Intuition? Instinct? What I hate is that it feels like I never had a choice. I like to be able to choose. To say yes or no. To go one way or the other. But in this case… I don’t know, someone else has the steering wheel.

And I guess therein lies the answer: the reasoning by which I simply don’t give a damn at the moment. Intervarsity, Kendo, and The Daily Bruin. My priorities are skewed. Yes, work tops the list. But… school is at rock bottom. I just don’t care anymore. And somewhere in my rather angry walk to work today, I quantified all of this into words.

There are two types of people in the world: those who justify the means by the end, and those who justify the end by the means. I am the prior. What does this mean? It means that if I can’t perceive any particular goal or endpoint or final destination for what I’m doing, it’s pretty much pointless. And I guess that’s what’s happened: I no longer see any sort of end to school. So what if I get a degree? Med school that I can’t afford? What would I do then? Become a paramedic? I don’t need to be in school for that.

But another explanation’s cropped up in my head this morning. I simply haven’t had enough time to be myself lately. What we learned in Mark Study yesterday feels like it applies here: I’m letting off that I’m better than I actually am. If it’s one thing I hate, it’s admitting weakness to other people. And though others might think that, in having recently decided to follow Christ, that I’m at a strong point right now… I’m not.

Imagine being a dark room for a very long time and then stepping out into the sunlight. That’s how it is right now. I’m disoriented, confused, lost, and I’m happy to be out in the light, but it’s blinding. And right now, as I’m questioning everything and drowning in my own doubt, it’s kind of like I’m shielding my eyes from it all.

I realized last night that I’m comfortable in the dark. It’s not great, it’s not happy, it’s not even contenting, but it’s comfortable. And sometimes I’d like to just be there for a while instead of having this world thrown at me.

God, I don’t know what to do. SOS.

Read Full Post »

Ick.

I woke up feeling… not great today. I’m sort of split between maybe half a dozen or so concerns at the moment; life is not being the simple thing that I want it to be.

I miss the days when I enjoyed the better things in life, and that wasn’t even too long ago. Thinking about it now, I can, but I have to take the time to comprehensively think about it before I can smile.

Kendo, for instance. I love kendo. It’s a shame that I couldn’t practice yesterday (partly due to my chilling out with goodsociety for so long and because of my hip), but I still enjoy watching and photographing it. When I’m there, the only thing on my mind is how I can improve and how I can adjust my white balance to take clearer photos.

Speaking of goodsociety, those kids together make one amazing band! I’m envious of their individual and group talent, and the truly captivating part is that they’re all our age. I wish that more people knew how crazy good they are; give credit where credit is due, you know? It’s so random how I photograph them and make wallpapers and banners for them, but I enjoy using my creative talents to tell a story about other people. Hence the camera.

And that leads me to OGDADing. Always makes my day a little bit brighter. Yesterday, Paula, Sarah, and I left Lester (Leslie and Esther) a little gift on Leslie’s laptop. Afufufu. I wonder if that counts as a good deed… Today, well, I don’t know what’ll happen today, but who does?

But right now, at this moment, it’s all about studying for the quiz and midterm I have tomorrow for the classes I haven’t been going to. I’m not too sure what’s up with my attitude these days; I really don’t care about school right now. I might be reading and taking notes right now, but there’s no intent to it. I should figure this out soon before I’m on academic probation…

Read Full Post »