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Archive for January, 2012

Drive.

More and more, I find myself wanting to shed the things that feel tedious to me, such as school and work, and replace them with the things that I’m passionate about, like writing or photography.

I could be an lifeless sack of pajamas and still write a script or take and sift through photos for hours. In the same state, you will likely not find me being productive in the office or with my schoolwork. And, coincidentally enough, those are the things that feel like they suck the life out of me.

The small things. I really do let the small things kick the crap out of me, and suddenly, all the good things — the vast amount of them — seem so far away.

We are called to remember. The journeys we’ve taken and the faces we’ve seen and the lives we’ve passed through.

I am called to remember. The hands that have held mine while traveling that dirt road and the smiles of the ones I love and the inescapable intertwining of lives so divine, so graceful, so perfect.

I will not forget.

Carus in oblivio.

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Two.

Over two years ago, I sat there, soaked in the January rain and hands held by people I loved.

I leaped.

For one brief, glorious moment, I flew. Then, like a baby bird, I began to falter. I struggled. I fought. My heart felt like it might burst inside my chest.

I watched them. The ones who held my hands, flying off into the distance until they were but specks on the horizon. I felt joy for them, and nothing for myself.

Then, with the greatest certainty that physics could offer, I began to fall.

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It’s decided.

This has been a long time coming, but I’ve come to the realization that I simply have too many thoughts for this blog. Brief ones, long ones, dark ones, analytical ones — and I’ve been increasingly unable to share these on here without password protecting them because, well, it’s all become too accessible.

Between my heightening introverted senses and losing track of who’s reading this and who’s not, I need to (further) compartmentalize.

That’s not to say I won’t still be posting here. I will be. But certain thoughts will just be moved… elsewhere.

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Lather, rinse…

Repeat.

To learn the same lessons, again.
About His plans, His grace, and above all else:
His love.

Here we go.

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Disappointment.

Now there’s something I haven’t felt in a long time.

But I know this opens up a ton of doors for me, and… quite honestly, it’s probably better this way.

As sad, as anxious as I am now, I will soon see all of the things made possible because I was set on a different path than I had hoped for.

Onward. Upward. Hoist the colors high.

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