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Archive for November, 2011

Day 2.

(These will mostly be trivial, irrelevant facts about me.)

1. I am somewhat claustrophobic. Being trapped in the back seat of a car with one person on either side of me makes me extremely uncomfortable. The feeling of not being able to escape from a small space (say, an elevator) freaks me out. Amongst other things. Compounding on top of that…

2. I also have anxiety issues. Woot! It’s not an “I’ll piss my pants if I’m standing in front of an audience” thing — I think we all know that I’m far flung from that category. But more of a “the few things that stress me out… they stress me out a lot” thing. It’s extremely rare for anyone else to see this, but I start hyperventilating and tensing it — it’s pretty nightmarish.

3. I’m not a complete extrovert. I know I can seem like it, but I’m actually fairly split down the middle between being an extrovert and an introvert. It’s quite strange — I didn’t realize it until I took the Myers-Briggs test, but when I looked at the distribution, I saw how true it was. I do split my time quite well between the two. I suspect I’ll become more qualified as an introvert in the next five years.

4. My eyes aren’t that damaged, but the reason I wear glasses is because one is near-sighted and one is far-sighted. The result is that I see double when looking at tall, thin objects. I don’t wear contacts because my family couldn’t afford them when I was in high school, and it’s not like I could now either.

5. Despite the fact that I own a lot of technology, I’m not rich. Honestly. My laptop was a gift from my brother on my father’s side for high school graduation; I built my computer myself with parts bought on a budget of money from Christmas and Chinese New Year; my PS3 was bought with money given to me for working for a political campaign that my mom’s friend ran in — and won; my camera, camcorder, snowboard, and many other things were bought with money given to me by the good ol’ United States of America — for my education, of course. I guess I could be rich if I were any good at saving/managing money. Oops.

6. I recently realized how much I miss working out. Thanksgiving break gave me an abundance of time, a good amount of which I spent kick-starting my getting-back-into-shape mode. I come back from work outs feeling less stressed, healthier, and overall more awesome than I usually am. Totally worth it.

7. I’m not picky about what I eat, despite being a great cook. I’ll judge food if asked to, but at the end of the day, food is food. I value being able to eat abundantly and be satisfied by what I’m given. It’s better than what most people get.

8. I have six brothers and a sister, all of which are half-siblings. Four brothers (one of which is illegitimate) and a sister on my dad’s side, and two brothers on my mom’s side. People in my family have a history of relationship issues. I’m determined to smash this to pieces. (So far, I’ve failed. At the moment, I’m doing well.)

9. I really dislike being mistaken for a boy, but I relish in people’s remorse when they realize that they’re wrong. It’s my own personal brand of revenge.

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It’s tenth week! Time to blog a lot and pick up a video game that I’ll tirelessly defeat through finals week. Also, this.

1. I miss you. It’s been a week, and interestingly enough, my life’s felt a little bit normal with you stuck at home wrapped up in a thousand blankets and drinking nothing but juice and tea. I’m worried that you’re sick, but hey, I’m always worried when you’re getting injured or ill or what have you. Please get better soon and come back, so I can start force-feeding you oranges. You have no idea how much I care for you, and sometimes I worry that you don’t reciprocate that. But I’m here anyway, just waiting for you.

2. Sorry we haven’t really talked or hung out recently — there’s a ton of things I want to tell you about, but neither of us really seem to have the time. Well, I have plenty of time now, so mayhaps we’ll pick up on that soon. It’s weird, everytime you’re around, I have the tendency to fall asleep. Bahaha. I forget that we have such limited time left until you graduate. Granted, you might be around afterwards, but things won’t really be the same. Also, if one of your socks disappears, it wasn’t me.

3. Sorry for blatantly ignoring you and epic failing. You’ve been bringing up things that I quite frankly don’t want to think about, and… yeah. I know that it’s important, but I feel like, at this point, I just need to let go. Once and for all and all that jazz. Maybe that’s the cold-hearted thing to do, but I forget that once upon a time, that’s all I was. It never really leaves you. Great, now I’m thinking about it… might as well write to match.

4. I can’t say that I hate you, but I don’t think us being a part of each other’s lives are good for either of us. I tried, and hell, I even let myself break down in front of you — but I think, in that, I just realized how far our paths have diverged. I wish you’d quit trying to cast all of the blame on me or on her, because you’re just as much a part of what’s happened as we are. And that’s all you do, you never take any of the responsibility yourself, and for that… grow the hell up.

5. Things have been hard without you close by. I guess you’re busy with everything that you’re doing now, and I’m happy that you found your calling or whatever — just wish it wasn’t so far away. With you and with 4, I’m always afraid to take the initiative to come see you, like I’ll get in your way or something. But E once told me that you felt lonely, so maybe I should.

6. You know, I’ve been wondering… why didn’t you tell me earlier? Well, I mean, fair enough — for all of the obvious reasons. But I wish I’d understood sooner. I don’t know what would’ve changed or what I would’ve done, but… blagh. You’re just such a dear friend to me, and all I want is to do right by you and… I just feel like no matter what I do, it won’t be enough for you, because I’ll either make it worse or I won’t be able to do anything at all. That’s frustrating. But I’ll still always be here, at your beck and call, until you decide that you want me to disappear.

7. We’re coming up on nine years of knowing each other! Insane. I missed seeing your ugly face, and I’m happy we got to see each other briefly over break. Can’t wait until winter break! I’ve missed you and all of our friends a ton, and it always feels like a breath of fresh air to see you all. We’ve been through a lot, and for some reason, my thoughts always come back to where we were and where we are now. And that’s good, right? I couldn’t ask for a better picture of redemption in friendship.

8. Quit being four to five hours away! It makes me sad to think about all the little moments we’ve missed with each other — the hand hugs, the giggling, the understanding of each other’s jokes (and only us two) — I miss that. And you freaking out about pow-wows and being so passionate about your culture… and all of my shows and the things I’m going through that you know full well because you went through them, too. And the ways that we’ve grown… Damn, that’s a lot. Get back here, fool.

9. I don’t think we can be friends anymore. I just don’t know how to tell you that. I realized it when we were eating together a few weeks back — our lives, our personalities, our faith, our everything — they’re just too different now. I put too much pressure on you, in the beginning, to be the one who would save my idea of friendship. And we lost it — for so many reasons, we lost what we had. Now, it’s too much to be around you, like I have to match up to where you are and where you’re going. And I can’t.

10. Dear chocolate, you are amazing. Yours forever, Rachelle.

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In the AM.

When your head hits the pillow,
And you’re still making wishes,
You realize:
It’s because none of them came true today.

(Wow, that was really sad. *self-slap*)

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Stage Three.

I feel guilty.

Like I would’ve rather never existed than to cause you an ounce of pain.

It feels like… empty promises sung to an Eastern wind or letters written and never sent.

I wish I knew what I could do for you.

But it’s not my place.

For now…

Have courage.

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All it takes.

That moment when you realize you can be a horrible human being.

There will come a time when we stop making up for who we’ve been and start being who we are.

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Giving thanks.

I’m thankful for…

-Friends who I can be honest with and who can be honest with me.
-Texts from friends.
-My high school friends and the time we still spend together even though we’re college juniors now.
-Cooking shows and how much they make me want to create.
-So much time spent with friends just enjoying ourselves.
-Seeing old friends.
-Chocolate. Seriously.
-Running and how much of a stress reliever it is.
-A roof over my head and a warm, fluffy bed.
-Music and how ridiculous of a job it does describing my life.
-Friends kind enough to invite me into their homes.
-Seasons of change.
-Moments of rest and peace.
-Working through mistakes.
-New beginnings.
-Potential.
-Epic love.

And so much more.

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Over my head.

I hope, at the very least, I’ve proved myself somewhat dependable.

Now I just have to test whether I can depend on myself or not.

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