Archive for October, 2011






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I am a sheep in wolf’s clothing.

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I am tired. (As usual.)
I am searching for worth. (As usual.)
I am attempting to find it in all of the wrong places. (As usual.)

I am physically, emotionally, and mentally beaten and broken down. This makes it hard to sing God’s praises, and I miss nights spent surrounded by fellowship yet alone with God, worshipping Him.

But I’ll try anyway, for my own sanity:
-Partnered with L for small group this week. We don’t get to see each other as much anymore, but the times that we do are always live-giving. Got to serve some residents by changing their trash bag.
-Cast was so productive yesterday. I’ve spent weeks completely nerve-racked about not being ready in time for show, but now I think we could even be ahead of schedule.
-Slept a lot more than I have been in the past couple of days. I’ve basically been knocking out on the couch, and I’m super thankful for a roommate who lets me rest/keeps me in check when I almost sleep through something important.
-Lots of people asked me if I was feeling better after being migraine-filled/nauseous on Monday. I don’t even know how word got around about that, but I’m grateful for people checking in.
-Kicked up having weekly quality time with a couple of people again recently. It’s been a rough patch without them, and we’re still working out the kinks on time — but these are some of my most affirming friendships, so it’s more than worth the effort.
-Late night G-chat conversations seem so menial, but it’s almost as good as having a study buddy when you’re stuck being nearly non-productive with two major assignments due the next day. I love that I can be an intelligent human being in this context (as opposed to being a mumbling neanderthal).

God is here. God is always here. Sometimes I just need to let Him in.

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God says…

Go home.

What the *&%#?

What home.

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I’m moving forward. Towards a time when…

I’ll be done with school and living the life I’m determined to.
I can stop working in the office, even though I love the place and the people.
Our theater company can care about itself enough to rise to new heights.
I can trust people. Really trust them, with every part of me, and know that they’ll still love me.
I won’t need to compare myself to other people anymore.
I’ll believe in myself and the things that I can do.
I’m strong enough to be with you. I promise.
God will saturate every part of my life with Him.

Everything will be better than okay. It’s going to be great.

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It’s weird to think that people can look up to me.

I guess I’m used to being looked down on.

But it’s something I’ve noticed in people’s eyes over the past couple of weeks. I don’t how I can tell, but it’s there. It’s odd, and yes, a first. Is it my age and the number of younger students I’m surrounded by? Probably. Time does strange things.

I wasn’t designed to be admired or to provide an example for others. I am a dose of crazy in everyone’s life that I’m a part of — whether that’s good or bad I’ll leave up to you. I can be hyper-extroverted or quite introverted, depending on the time of day. Beneath the hilarity of my words and weird faces, I am broken by, well, twenty years of history that you can partially explore on this blog and all of which I’m open to being asked about in exchange for a cup of tea.

What I realized a couple of weeks ago, though, is how the system of my dealing with that brokenness has changed over the years. Drastically.

1) Putting down others and creating friendships based on fear. (~7 years)
2) Ambition and creating emotionally dependent friendships. (~3 years)
3) Bottling up of emotions only to have them explode and breaking down of meaningful friendships.
4) Building up of more social relationships and drinking alcohol. (~6 months)
5) Talking, analyzing, and praying about difficulties and finding and creating friendships centered on support and Christ. Expressing emotions through art and, well, blogging. (Present.)

I didn’t go into much detail because I didn’t want to muddle up the simplicity of this timeline. God clearly gave me a much better route to deal with my brokenness than I had in my entire life. The second point I wanted to prove was that my brokenness affected the way I related to people, and to be frank, it was pretty fail. That’s not to say things 100% stunk in BC times — No, I came out of high school with a lot of great friendships that cherish. But high school was also the grounds for a lot of the breaking that happened, and the healing needed to happen outside of that realm. Hence Jesus in my life today.

I was driving home late at night when I realized all of this. I remember feeling a sense of elation and confusion — I thought I knew why I was a Christian, but it turns out that I only knew the how. The how’s always interesting. I always get asked about the how. And it always makes for a good story, and yes, I do think it’s pretty amazing still. But the why — hm, it’s strange that I didn’t figure out why for the longest time, yet realizing it is giving me more forward momentum in my life than I’ve felt since I first made the decision to follow Jesus.

So maybe I am still broken and crappy inside, but at least I deal with it in ways that don’t involve self-destruction. And that, I think, makes me proof of something, something big, that Jesus is capable of doing. It’s something, at the minimum, worth looking at.

I am a follower of Jesus because God gave me an opportunity to deal with my brokenness in a way that heals and allows me to create healthy, emotionally and spiritually supportive friendships.

I want to give glory to God.

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