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Archive for October, 2011

Flipped.

かみさまのおうこくはいつこわくなったか。とまる。ぜったいにとまなくちゃいけない。でも、どう?なぜ?

できるとおもう。

あのじかんはきてしまう。

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Disguise.

I am a sheep in wolf’s clothing.

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Thirst.

I am tired. (As usual.)
I am searching for worth. (As usual.)
I am attempting to find it in all of the wrong places. (As usual.)

I am physically, emotionally, and mentally beaten and broken down. This makes it hard to sing God’s praises, and I miss nights spent surrounded by fellowship yet alone with God, worshipping Him.

But I’ll try anyway, for my own sanity:
-Partnered with L for small group this week. We don’t get to see each other as much anymore, but the times that we do are always live-giving. Got to serve some residents by changing their trash bag.
-Cast was so productive yesterday. I’ve spent weeks completely nerve-racked about not being ready in time for show, but now I think we could even be ahead of schedule.
-Slept a lot more than I have been in the past couple of days. I’ve basically been knocking out on the couch, and I’m super thankful for a roommate who lets me rest/keeps me in check when I almost sleep through something important.
-Lots of people asked me if I was feeling better after being migraine-filled/nauseous on Monday. I don’t even know how word got around about that, but I’m grateful for people checking in.
-Kicked up having weekly quality time with a couple of people again recently. It’s been a rough patch without them, and we’re still working out the kinks on time — but these are some of my most affirming friendships, so it’s more than worth the effort.
-Late night G-chat conversations seem so menial, but it’s almost as good as having a study buddy when you’re stuck being nearly non-productive with two major assignments due the next day. I love that I can be an intelligent human being in this context (as opposed to being a mumbling neanderthal).

God is here. God is always here. Sometimes I just need to let Him in.

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God says…

Go home.

What the *&%#?

What home.

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Forward.

I’m moving forward. Towards a time when…

I’ll be done with school and living the life I’m determined to.
I can stop working in the office, even though I love the place and the people.
Our theater company can care about itself enough to rise to new heights.
I can trust people. Really trust them, with every part of me, and know that they’ll still love me.
I won’t need to compare myself to other people anymore.
I’ll believe in myself and the things that I can do.
I’m strong enough to be with you. I promise.
God will saturate every part of my life with Him.

Everything will be better than okay. It’s going to be great.

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New.

It’s weird to think that people can look up to me.

I guess I’m used to being looked down on.

But it’s something I’ve noticed in people’s eyes over the past couple of weeks. I don’t how I can tell, but it’s there. It’s odd, and yes, a first. Is it my age and the number of younger students I’m surrounded by? Probably. Time does strange things.

I wasn’t designed to be admired or to provide an example for others. I am a dose of crazy in everyone’s life that I’m a part of — whether that’s good or bad I’ll leave up to you. I can be hyper-extroverted or quite introverted, depending on the time of day. Beneath the hilarity of my words and weird faces, I am broken by, well, twenty years of history that you can partially explore on this blog and all of which I’m open to being asked about in exchange for a cup of tea.

What I realized a couple of weeks ago, though, is how the system of my dealing with that brokenness has changed over the years. Drastically.

Chronologically:
1) Putting down others and creating friendships based on fear. (~7 years)
2) Ambition and creating emotionally dependent friendships. (~3 years)
3) Bottling up of emotions only to have them explode and breaking down of meaningful friendships.
4) Building up of more social relationships and drinking alcohol. (~6 months)
5) Talking, analyzing, and praying about difficulties and finding and creating friendships centered on support and Christ. Expressing emotions through art and, well, blogging. (Present.)

I didn’t go into much detail because I didn’t want to muddle up the simplicity of this timeline. God clearly gave me a much better route to deal with my brokenness than I had in my entire life. The second point I wanted to prove was that my brokenness affected the way I related to people, and to be frank, it was pretty fail. That’s not to say things 100% stunk in BC times — No, I came out of high school with a lot of great friendships that cherish. But high school was also the grounds for a lot of the breaking that happened, and the healing needed to happen outside of that realm. Hence Jesus in my life today.

I was driving home late at night when I realized all of this. I remember feeling a sense of elation and confusion — I thought I knew why I was a Christian, but it turns out that I only knew the how. The how’s always interesting. I always get asked about the how. And it always makes for a good story, and yes, I do think it’s pretty amazing still. But the why — hm, it’s strange that I didn’t figure out why for the longest time, yet realizing it is giving me more forward momentum in my life than I’ve felt since I first made the decision to follow Jesus.

So maybe I am still broken and crappy inside, but at least I deal with it in ways that don’t involve self-destruction. And that, I think, makes me proof of something, something big, that Jesus is capable of doing. It’s something, at the minimum, worth looking at.

Summary:
I am a follower of Jesus because God gave me an opportunity to deal with my brokenness in a way that heals and allows me to create healthy, emotionally and spiritually supportive friendships.

I want to give glory to God.

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