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Archive for May, 2011

Rising.

Strength.

I feel a spoken word coming on. May or may not be posted. But one could also just ask.

Meanwhile, a haiku, friends:
Love is simple, love is kind.
Killer dung beetles.

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Rue.

I’ve thought about it.

I may or may not regret the day I decided it was possible.

But I did.

Damn.

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Instead of sighing.

Because I’m such a fool.

Because I want to keep the friends that I have now.

It’s been a rough month. Not just because of the schedule, but because I feel things breaking. Time itself, friendships, me. I did so much moaning and groaning and near the end, exploding that I grew tired of myself. I tend to express frustration in subliminal ways — using words that I say mean nothing when they mean a lot of things. I feel terrible when I catch myself in the act. Sorry, everyone.

I’m starting to move forward again, I think. One by one, I’ll talk to the people I need to talk to and face the problems I need to face. I lose confidence sometimes in my ability to remain faithful or even just hopeful, and where I’d usually have some inkling, some small hint that things will almost certainly go one way or another, now it’s just all up in the air.

In ten years, I want to be in love with someone, be doing something that I can pour my heart into and serve others with, and look back and laugh because I know that God was moving.

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Tattoo.

While reading a certain e-mail from a certain person, I remembered why I got my tattoo in the first place.

To remember.

Because I knew. I knew at some point (and perhaps I didn’t think it’d be as soon as it was) things would come crashing down, and I’d find myself forgetting what everything — life, love, God — means to me.

So it happened as I thought it would. I forgot.

And now I’m starting to remember, because that word, well, reminded me that I needed to. And I hope that after today, I begin to step forward into the light again.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to You;
the night is bright as the day
for darkness is as light with You.
Psalm 139:11-12

Thanks, B.

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Freeze ray.

I wish I were some sort of evil villian-type person or something so I could make a freeze ray. That way, I’d be able to make the world stop moving for a week and just take time to sort things out. Yes, like Dr. Horrible. If you haven’t seen Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog, then you need to.

All I can think about is how I have five more weeks of school left with a show, paper, finals, etc., etc., in between, and after that, I’ll be spending a week on Catalina Island for Summer Con, which is BCF code for, “Hey, you’re barely going to sleep, and you’re definitely not going to sleep well!” Only after that do I get a break for three weeks, during which I’ll probably be working full time. But that’s probably the part that I’m looking forward most to, because after that it’s all Honduras and summer school and back to regular school. Geez, I don’t even want to think that far ahead.

Six weeks until full-time cubicle paradise.

It feels sucky that I’m trying to push through the next few weeks of school and whatnot instead of enjoying it or at least feeling energetic enough to manage all of it. My brain feels so slow right now, and that’s never happened. All humility aside, I’m a smart kid, but now I can barely manage reading let alone interpreting anything.

Heck, I’m practically falling asleep writing this post.

I think it’s time for a vacation now.

Laundry day
See you there
Under things
Tumbling
Wanna say
Love your hair
Here I go
Mumbling
With my freeze ray I will stop the world
With my freeze ray I will
find the time to find the words to
Tell you how
How you make
Make me feel
What’s the phrase?
Like a fool
Kinda sick
Special needs
Anyways
With my freeze ray I will stop the pain
It’s not a death ray or an ice beam
That’s all Johnny Snow
I just think you need time to know
That I’m the guy to make it real
The feelings you don’t dare to feel
I’ll bend the world to our will
And we’ll make time stand still
That’s the plan
Rule the world
You and me
Any day
Love your hair

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I don’t want your mysterious romantic adventure that you’ve predicted in my near future.

I don’t want it because I’m damaged, and when I thought I was ready, I was shot back into blissful oblivion. I’m confused and practically out of my mind, and yes, I’ve thought about how much I want someone to hold me and convince me that it’ll be alright. But that’s the thing. I don’t need that person — I mean, I’ll need them in life, one day, maybe soon and maybe years down the life, but I know that I shouldn’t be waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet when everything’s falling apart. It really wouldn’t be right to subject anyone to that nightmare, my nightmare, anyway.

So I don’t want your damn romance, Fortune Cookie. Not unless it’s the right one and the right time.

But if it happens and it is — Well played, Fortune Cookie. Well played.

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