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Archive for January, 2011

It’s hard not being able to go to Catalyst because rehearsals are at the same time. It’s hard not being able to see my friends at least once a week. Or rather, it’s hard to not have that guaranteed. It didn’t even matter if we said anything to each other, but faces and how many of them I know.

But something about being at rehearsal feels right. I’m not dragging my feet to go there — no, I’m actually longboarding down Bruin Walk at top speeds to ensure that I’m punctual and don’t have to sexy dance as punishment for lateness. I laugh and smile more on rehearsal days than days without. I get to be funny, and not just in the (sorry, guys) politically correct way.

And God only has to affirm that it’s where he wants me to be so many times before it gets through my thick skull. In the past couple of weeks, a lot of doubts have been subsided, and even though I’m up to my waist in “things to do,” I’m, well, really happy.

Still, can I see everyone’s faces more often? D: Pretty please?

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One year later…

First, tidbits of wisdom obtained from a weekend with my head buried in the second half of Mark and personal reflection.

-Seek not to be something so that I might find my own value in it, but that it might exemplify and guide me to act on what I believe in.
-Guilt is buried in the lies that I allow myself to believe, and it leads me to sin.
-Comparing myself to others will only lead me astray from the truth, that I am loved unconditionally by a God who responds to me.

More to come. I like having succinctly written implications for me to look at — it condenses something complicated into something understandable.

A year’s come and gone. It was fast, I’ll give you that. Maybe it’s true what they say: life moves faster as it goes on. Sometimes I thought I might not make it this far, that I’d be swallowed up by thorns and dragged back to where I had begun. Other times I thought it might not be worth it. But it has been, regardless of how I feel these days. I look back, and I see the smiles of my friends who’ve brought me here.

I get it now, at least as much as I ever have. The whole “why I’m here” thing. Why I was accepted into UCLA after being rejected. Why I ended up in a quaint building called Hedrick on a crowded floor called 3 South. It has been and still is one of the greatest blessings in my life to have had my world turned upside down over and over again there. Coincidences? I don’t count them anymore, just ways that God’s doing what He does best: being crazy and working in my and others’ lives.

So far, I’ve…
-Read more of the Bible than I ever thought I would
-Then made observations, asked questions, made interpretations, figured out implications, and outline applications from it
-Realized that I need Jesus
-Jumped into a fountain late at night and nearly froze because of it
-Figured out how broken I am
-Begun to work on mending those wounds
-Cried an unreasonable amount of times
-Given up something I really wanted to do for something I didn’t realize the value of until much later
-Learned and saw first hand what it means to love and serve others
-Attempted to make my first cake… failed, then made another one
-Taken my first steps to making things better with my family
-Screwed up… a lot, but let others remind me that I am redeemed
-Spent a large portion of one evening dancing and making sandwiches for people… then fell asleep in the back of a car
-Went to the mountains for a week and nearly drowned in the Word and water balloons
-Lived in an apartment for three months, making food and doing school stuffs
-Slacked off more than I maybe should have, enjoyed it thoroughly
-Been an ass sometimes — sometimes apologizing when I realized I was wrong, other times being to prideful to do so.
-Talked to homeless people, thought they were cooler than people generally give them for, and made friends with some
-Sought out a purpose for my life and saw a part of God’s plan for me
-Fought back feelings of abandonment and came out partially victorious, partially defeated (work in progress)
-Liked someone, realized how stupid that was, then liked someone else, then realized for the billionth time that boys are dumb and I have better things to spend time contemplating than them, at least in this stage of my life
-Started feeling old
-Wallowed in my own misery only to be pulled out of it by awesome friends
-Started investing in someone else’s life and been seriously blessed already
-Had to make some seriously hard choices, trusting God to guide me in the right direction
-Had a ton of fun
-Ate a lot of food
-Felt what I’m pretty sure is 99% of the emotions that are humanly possible, an overwhelming amount of joy included in that equation
-Started over

But that’s enough of reflecting on the past, the future (and homework) awaits. After all, it’s 3:51 AM.

Well done, Jesus.

Actually, I like mine medium rare.

(Oh, c’mon, you know that was funny.)

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So, all hope of having a blogging series aside, writer’s block is [sigh] a sly thing.

But an update to anyone still caring to read, or with my on their Google Reader (these two likely being the same category): things aren’t half-bad right now.

Admittedly, it’s hard. I mean, most of you guys reading probably haven’t seen me for more than five minutes in ages, which sucks. And yes, I do miss you all, a lot. So I don’t want to be the kind of person that falls off the map (which isn’t my intention in the first place) and doesn’t really explain anything (even worse). Hence… the lowdown:

It’s been tough on me to feel like I only have friends from one place who felt obligated to love or talk to me (not the case, I know) and had their own thing to do at the same time. It feels selfish to type it all out, but I guess I’m learning that sometimes you need to be selfish for your own sake. Meanwhile, my family goes through this entire phase of change in what seems to be a matter of minutes, and I’m stuck wondering: Where is everyone that I need right now? God? Friends? All busy, or that’s what it felt like anyway.

A realization that many of my close friends graduated and a night of crying myself to sleep later… Hm, I don’t know. A part of me wanted to not be in an “IV bubble.” Another part wished I’d never stuck myself in the bubble in the first place. A different part thinks I don’t belong there. And it’s weird to think about all this stuff as a year of blessings pulls up and parallel parks right behind me. You know, so close that I can’t get out of my space anymore?

Would it be wrong of me to ask everyone to trust me? I don’t think I’m being led astray or stumbling. Well, okay, there are challenges and most certainly temptations. But in a huge way, I feel like God’s removing so many barriers because this is where He wants me to be. (Vagueness.) And in the same way that I hope you all can trust me, I’m hoping that I can trust God. Because this one’s for me, and what I need. And I need to be happy. And I am.

So, yeah. That was the lowdown. Don’t worry, friends, I’m still alive :]

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