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Archive for December, 2010

Intermission: @*(&$(@*&%!

This is not okay. Or, rather, I’m not okay. I’ve been on a fail-path (it’s a technical term) for over a month now, and by now, I’m teetering over the edge of a cliff, staring into a lot of nothing and going, “Gee, I wonder if I can bring a flashlight with me.”

All sarcasm aside, I’ve officially lost any sense of direction or even hope that I once had. I kept trying to grasp at it, like dust motes in the air, but I failed. Hence the fail-path leading up to this really negative state of being that I am.

But of course, all this self-reprimand begs the question: What will I do?

Honestly, I’m tired of doing, and I’m tired of trying. I’ve done all of the things that I promised myself I wouldn’t: I’ve settled, I’ve given up, I’ve thrown in the towel.

Sometimes you gotta get up and throw that towel right back out and go “#@&! you, I’m not done yet,” and I’m waiting on that particular moment, that something that will set me off into the ocean blue once more. This fight’s not over yet — at least, I hope it’s not.

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Emotion: Anger (cont.)

So a couple of new revelations on this particular topic. I’m gonna take a chance by putting this out there and letting people read, because for some, it might just change what you think of me for the worse. That’s your disclaimer.

All that jazz aside, I realized today on a long car ride back to ye olde apartment that people don’t take me seriously unless I get angry. I can make a statement about my disagreement with someone or something, but nobody listens until I put on my game face and deepen my tones a little.

Here’s the trick: I can’t tell if everyone’s just being ig’nant (Ignorant, for you non-ghetto people. I hereby swear to never use this slang term again.) or if I’m just being an ass. From my experience, the majority tends to be right, and since I’m not the majority, chances are that I’m an ass.

But as much as an ass as I am (that’s a mouthful), is it wrong to get mad when I tell someone not to do something, and they do it anyway? Okay, let’s get specific, for all parties who were present — is it wrong for me to ask someone to not make a pass on a single lane street when there’s a passing lane literally thirty seconds away, then get mad when they do it anyway? Oh, and you think that was fine? Gambling with people’s lives is not fine, no matter how far away from making a mistake you think you are. Go lose someone to that exact same mistake on the exact same road and then you can tell me we’re safe.

Amongst other things that occurred over the past couple days on a fun yet stretching trip to Mammoth. I did miss that place, but it brought back some sour memories.

Back to the point: I think I’m easily frustrated by people. Or rather, I get frustrated and deal with it a different way than other people do. Or rather, when I get frustrated and decide to make it well-known, most people decide to just not deal with me. Am I really that unapproachable? (Probably.) I know I can be intimidating, but I’m not unreasonable. I wish when I get this way that people wouldn’t look at me all freaked out. I don’t want to get sewn into a culture where people avoid conflict with me specifically because that would just, for lack of a better word, blow. I don’t like it.

Because the thing is, I, at best, would describe my present self as mad. Mad being a lesser version of anger. Because I know what my version of angry is, and I could have very nearly hit it if someone had gone and tried something stupid (again) — and that people most certainly wouldn’t like and would avoid like the plague that it is.

People should try having deep conversations with others not just when there’s sadness or serious thought going on, but when there’s something that needs to be talked about. But I guess I’m guilty of that, too. Geez.

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