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Archive for June, 2010

The death of blogging.

Everyone’s blogs who I like to read stopped blogging. Sad day. Granted, I shouldn’t depend on blogs to keep up with people, but it’s tough when some of them are up in NorCal or on the east coast or something. Also granted, a lot of people are on vacation/missions/somewhere far away and without access or time to blog.

Alas, what a lonely world the blogging community is!

Fear not, readers (all 2 or 3 of you who pop in per day)! I will continue to update you on my going-ons because… well, I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the hope that even if it’s hard for me to keep up with you, you can keep up with me, and when we see each other again, we can pick up from where we left off. Or maybe just because I like writing and my journal is slowly becoming a barren wasteland (hey, pen ink is precious!).

In others news, things appear to be turning around. I’ve had a change of heart over all of the crap that’s been floating around in my head about this apartment deal. I don’t really care about all of my food or kitchen supplies or whatever (it is, however, nice to be asked when your things are used), as long as everyone’s got a full stomach goin’ on. No one shall ever say they are hungry and not be fed so long as I am around! *cue stampede of hungry people running to our door*

Quoth one angry, little girl: I sometimes get tired of my own bitching.

But really, I just sort of remembered Mark 2: sacrifice your wealth. I thought to myself, “I barely have any wealth,” but at the same time, I’m not allowed to say that with the amount of money I spend on things I may or may not need. But that widow gave out of her poverty, so why can’t I? I’m not even impoverished, really, just raised to be stingy.

Asian parental tactics, I do not approve.

Thinking about it, I’ve made a serious move away from a lot of what my family’s taught me in the past year. It makes me question what those eighteen years were for, but… well, I guess it’s something that can’t be defined by words. There is something important there, though; otherwise, I wouldn’t really miss them as much as I do.

Thankfully, I’m blessed by an awesome community. Some practical words a la Mark 2: you think keeping up with Jesus is hard with community? — It’s even harder without it. For some reason, though, I’m fortunate enough to continue to be surrounded by people who care for me and get over my stupid moments and love me for who I am.

God’s grace: straight up crazy.

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Potato, potato.

Yeah, I’ve been on a bitchfest for the past two posts.

Still not fantastic: statistics is about as boring as statistics can be (in other words, very), work… long story, everything else is being outshined by copious amounts of suck floating around like dust motes.

And if you know anything about dust motes, they’re kind of hard to get rid of. In the getting a camel through the eye of a needle sense. But anything’s possible.

Lord, protect me from these thoughts that assail my heart.

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The long run.

Lord, take these frustrations away from me.

I’m tired.

I feel like I have enough crap on my back already.

And it’s just the beginning.

I’m in this for the long run, but my strides feel all awkward and jumbled.

Honestly, this sucks right now.

Trying to look at the good things in my day just to have it all jumbled up at the end.

It’s frustrating.

Maybe I just need to sleep it off.

Good night.

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Cliffhanger.

Tired, sitting at work, hungry (should’ve woken up earlier to eat an unknown breakfast), tongue still numb from spicy ramen, more or less blegh.

These past 24 hours seem to have existed only to smack me around like a rag doll thrown into an angry mob of rag doll-hating rednecks. Fifty bucks for a completely unwarranted parking ticket (yes, I do still think I was right), apartment mates grabbing at my food and groceries (still attempting to draw the lines), laptop being unplugged and messed around with in the middle of the night (complete mystery).

Trivial things, but things that bother me.

Yep, still trying to draw those lines.

Summer Con left me at a cliffhanger.

Great week, great people, great lessons. Practicality’s the word, but as I sit here in my worn-in cloth seat that sinks under my weight, I kind of just want to throw a tantrum not unlike that of a five year old. And people keep smiling and laughing like it’s kind of funny, but right now, it’s really not.

Brings me back to that day at Idyllwild when I couldn’t hold back the tears and the anger and walked out the door as quickly as I could. Some people just don’t get it, and that’s what hurts the most. Don’t get what it’s like to fend for themselves and actually work for what they have.

I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like a jerk.

But to sum it up:
Stop touching my shit.

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Sunrise.

The first step into anything is always the hardest.

I thought that I wouldn’t be ready for season two in time. I thought that I was trapped, lost, in despair, unable to fight back against the tide. I was afraid that I was giving up, closing a curtain that wouldn’t be lifted again.

But somehow, and it’s a bit miraculous to me, I’m managing to move forward. I’m stronger than I thought I was. More than I gave myself credit for, more than I was nine months ago or even twelve hours ago. Maybe it was those promises that helped me to realize what I needed.

The promise that one day I’d find what I’m looking for. The promise that I’ll be able to protect those who can’t protect themselves with my own two hands. The promise that He’ll never leave me behind.

It’s funny, hearing the sweet sound of worship, the screams of stressed college students, and the laughter of people running around in their underwear simultaneously. It was a perfect blend of serenity and chaos that’s marked my life for the past month. I’ve made some pretty bad choices, but I think I’m done with that.

The first step into anything is always the hardest. But once you realize that it’s something you need to do, your resolve strengthens, and from there, it’s like standing up.

I’m sorry that I haven’t been honest. I’m sorry that I’ve been allowing myself to make the same mistakes. I’m sorry that I’ve let that get in the way of loving everyone. I think I was just waiting for the sun to come up.

And it’s a freaking nice day.

Bring it on, season two. Just who the hell do you think I am?

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1.5

It was a tough past 50 hours, but now I know that I can survive the rest of the week — that’s a relief.

Well, only the past 24 were tough in that sense. The sense that I was tired and needing to study at the last minute and stuck on my bed with books piled on top of me so that it was impossible to move. Then my tailbone began to hurt and I had to pee. You know the drill.

Lop in the 26 hours before that… it’s been draining. Aside from feeling like I had to be responsible for a bunch of people who really should’ve been responsible themselves, that dread set in on me again.

Mistakes: I’ve made my splurge about them already. I can blame it on the situation, but I can also be mad for always being put in that situation, too. I can be mad because I feel like I’m not getting help even though I’ve prayed over and over about it. I can be mad because I feel like this could destroy what I’ve built up in the past six months.

Who said nothing exciting ever happens during intermissions?

I hope the marks fade away soon. I hope that I can just get past this week and escape to somewhere I need to be. I hope that I have the courage to say, No, this isn’t right.

But more than anything else, I hope that next year can just be about God. I can’t live in community or witness to people or love on people — not like this. Right now, I just need to know that I have a place in this infinite universe of His. That making the same mistakes over and over won’t spell doom for me, it’ll look more like redemption than anything else in the end. That this isn’t the end, it can’t be. I’m stronger than that.

Do you not yet understand?

See you later, season 1.5.

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Season one.

Finally over. It was kind of like watching a TV show that you really, really liked. Then the show got kind of crappy for a while, but you were still interested in finding out what happened, so you finished it off. And the finale was satisfying.

“Love changes everything. Love changes us.”

Where would I be without this? Without these people?

Mysteries.

I used to live life without uncertainties, without mystery. Spontaneity and adventure are different from these things, mind you. Life was a day-to-day thing, the same tasks morning till evening. The future was evident and inevitable: high school, college.

Now it’s more like college, then the rest of my life. I thought that I’d put a good amount of consideration into what I wanted to do with that. I thought wrong.

I keep thinking about it, and I must’ve been crazy when I agreed to that weekend seven months ago. I had everything that I thought I wanted, and less than three months after that, I’d give it up for something more. Some people call that crazy.

I think about what it would’ve been like had I said “no,” and the only conclusion I can come to is that I would’ve been extremely lonely. I don’t think that any other group on this campus could put up with my crap, could love on me the way that this community has, could pick me up every time I fall.

In this high-stress time when my brain starts resembling scrambled eggs and my soul wrestles with itself, I get messed up. It’s one of my greatest fears. Parts of me start peaking out that I hate. Anger, resilience, bitterness, the like. And whereas those who I called friends once left my side for it, these people show no signs of going anywhere.

It’s confusing.

But I’m grateful for it.

I once thought that if there was a future I couldn’t see, it was impossible. Now the possibilities are limitless. That leaves me a little bit scared. A little bit without an exact target to aim at like I used to. The world’s big now. Bigger than that little bubble, population: approx. 10,000.

But having an exact target to aim for means that there’s only one end. I might like it better, but having a guiding light is what allows me to learn from it all.

And that light’s been shooting off in all sorts of directions in all sorts of places in the past four and a half months. Wow, has it been that long already?

Maybe I’ve spread myself a bit too thin, because I feel all sorts of tapped out. I’m realizing that I need to learn how to say “no,” and attempt to understand why I do what I do. Without reason, without an eye on God the entire time, I’ll end up even more tired than I am, and I’m pretty exhausted right now.

I’d pray for rest, but life is waiting for me. Papers, projects, finals, and then a swift dive into season two.

What I do pray for is the strength to face the day, the courage to know and admit what I need, and the heart to pour out His love.

No, I don’t know what next year is going to be like, or this summer, or even the next week and a half. Could be awesome. Could be hell. (The next week and a half looks like hell from where I’m standing.) It’s all a mystery.

But hey, what have I got to be afraid of?

Call out to me, lead me through every step in this dark room.

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